The Bible’s Okay…but It’s Fandom is Hella Crazy.

One thing I’ve learned about Christians and their entertainment is that they will support it in droves—it’s why there are mega churches and in the South no retail store opens on Sunday until noon.   So when I hear that the History Channel’s ‘The Bible” is a hit, I sort of roll my eyes and say…whatever.  Christians will watch and listen to anything related to their faith in droves, and they’ll spend a fortune on the DVD release of this Stinker because let’s face it…IT’S ABOUT THEIR LORD, and there’s  a war on Christians and so they need to stick together and support anything Christian…even if it’s crap. 

The Bible fandom (that’s right, I went there!) is the most devout and well-funded fandom in the history of fandoms.  So if they’re all watching, it’s because they love Jesus. BUT… and there’s always a but… The Bible on the History Channel just rubs me the wrong way: I get queasy seeing the actual HISTORY of my people appropriated to fit the modern Christian’s ideal of diversity. 

If I have to elaborate on the above because if you don’t understand what I’m saying—then the Bible is tailor made for you, and you should be watching.  

It’s got Asian Ninja angels in Sodom, it’s got a POC Sampson, the Pharaoh is the only one speaking American English, Satan looks like Obama playing Emperor Palpatine, and of course—tried and true Bee Gees Jesus, so you devout ladies have something to cream about when the shows over.  >_> Ugh. It’s overacted and poorly dramatized – pretty much like the text itself, and the underlying sexist crap gets old within the first hour. There’s no Jewish identity in the first hours of The Bible…and I imagine that’s by design.

>_<  I find it telling that the harshest reviews on “The Bible” have been from Jewish critics—like I said, you’re already walking a fine when you appropriate a culture’s history in order set the moral standard of your lifestyle–but I suppose maintaining faith in a G*d invented by a people that you’re not really fond of (cue Hans Landa and his hawk/rat monologue), is a weird thing.  I’m all for diversity in a story, but if you’re going to depict what you say is actual historical events—shouldn’t you stick to the facts?  So when a co-worker frowns on my avoidance of the series and explains that ‘It’s the Bible, its history, it happened”, I do get a bit annoyed.   Yes, and the annoyance turns to anger. 

I know the history of my people—do you?

If you’re insulted by my take on the series and my take on The Bible, well Fuck You.  You don’t get to change the history of the Jews to make it fit the mythological origin story cultivated to make Jewish prophets less Jewish and their messages exclusively yours.  If you’re one of those dicks that think Jesua actually preached ‘being Jewish is wrong’ then you didn’t get it.  He preached against the Pharisees of his day for ‘becoming Roman’ and corrupt and taught that YOU are the temple and YOU are the child of G*d.  Somehow, after his death, this got distorted into ‘I AM THE SON OF G*D’, Jews turned on me, Romans killed me, and my mom needs to be on your lawn in order to make it look pretty.

0_0    So yeah…I’m sure every Christian in America is watching The Bible, but that don’t make it a hit because it’s good.

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7 Comments

  1. Last night, I was thumbing through a Christian bookstore catalog as I enjoy Christian contemporary music. I was given pause (or should I say, a WTF moment) upon seeing the catalog listing for a **novelization** of The Bible miniseries… Um, if viewers want to “read the book” wouldn’t that be the Bible, as in THE actual Bible? Color me confused!

  2. @Katrina I don’t even mind novelization–though like I said, it’s prolly more of the same ole prose in which characters are seen through the Christian gaze, instead of the real Jews they are. It reminds me of the animated series that came out that was funded by Pat Robertson’s camp, the one where all the bad semetic folks had big noses and redeecing hairlines, and all the “good” semites looked like average white Americans. XD

  3. I’m not watching it. Besides, I was taught to read and decide for myself what to believe. Novel idea, eh?

  4. LOL! I try desperately to come to terms with the religious stuff I was taught – still can’t eat pork – but the Bible tales were always offset by the teacher at school (a rabbi if you went to private school) teaching actual history…rather than mythology.

  5. I suspect I had a similar experience in college. I went to a private religious college, and of course, was required to take a certain number of religion classes. I still remember how stunned all the ministerial students were when the professor for Teachings of Jesus started questioning the authorship of the gospels. Good times remembering all those shocked and appalled expressions.

  6. I re-posted this on Twitter with a right wing hashtag. I though you might enjoy some ‘interaction’ with some ‘folks’ from the interwebs. (Cue zombies moaning approaching soundtrack)

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