@work, cons, ego, personal, wtf

Sour Day

I’m having a very bad day today.  My sinus meds are messing with my ability to focus – and there’s a wealth of other things weighing on me that are honestly just neurotic things, but they’re killing my ability to focus positively on anything.

Pre-orders for one book are so low they’re threatening the possibility of a debt-free print.  What galls is me that Amazon and BN.com have sent the first round of ‘pre-order’ numbers [something I had to request and wait for] and all total, there are 27 books.  0_0  I begged and pleaded with people to please pre-order from us, even lowered the price and assured them a third party was handling fulfillment; yet they still put their money in online outlets that wont pay us until 30 days after they ship the title to the readers.  WTF. It depresses me that I’m going to have to crack into my credit card to cover the print run of this book, which means we earn nothing until that print run is paid for.   I guess I’m forced to accept the fact that I’m just not that great of a BL writer, my work just doesn’t sell. That’s a bitter pill to swallow.

I still need to write up my presentation for San Japan.  This one isn’t going to be easy, because I’ve discovered that I’m a little disappointed with a company I thought highly of.   They taking too much from me, and not earning what they’re taking.  Time will tell with my new title – if they link as they’re supposed to, and their media machine delivers the hype I need – then I’ll never complain again.  But alas…feeling bent over a barrel is never pleasant.

On top of all that, there’s trouble brewing on the home front.

My son is going to fail this year – and while my daughter exceeds my expectations, I can’t help but feel guilty about my son’s performance – or lack thereof.  It’s a total reflection on me—or so I keep thinking.

I truly struggle with my job every day, it’s not easy for me to constantly be nice and gracious and kind.  Just one inch of bitch will get me fired, and any form of sour attitude will get me reprimanded.  It’s like a tightrope I walk every moment I’m in the branch.  I think I’m being tested.  If I can survive the next 30 days without losing my job, killing friends for not doing what I ask of them, or shaking my son to death for squandering his potential—then I’ll be free.

Free to do what, I have no idea.

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