@work, my-works, personal, tv, yaoi-loudsnow

Anxious These Days

A lot going on in my head.

Loud Snow pre-orders are slow coming in – artist hasn’t been online to promote the book yet, only one review and blog interview done…which did bring in some KINDLE sales [was a good move].  Heard back from two bloggers, but they’ve yet to review or contact me about interview.  Pre-order window is two months – and every day that passes by without an order makes me cringe.

All I want to do is work on this new novel plot – but I’ve got things to do that keep me from it.  Mainly work at the bank; but at night I’m just too damn tired to concentrate on anything.  I did manage to catch my shows last night–

Law and Order CI disturbed me.  Got me thinking again about Sophie’s Choice – but also bugged me because it involved the child of a survivor.   Yes, he was sick – yes, he was the bad guy…but in all fairness, we’re not the most normal people in the world. >.>  I know for a fact that I distance other Jewish women with my love of Nazisploitation; they’re actively disturbed by it and I can tell.  I’ve met other writers who make it a point of distancing themselves from me because of my tastes – they don’t bash me, but they just don’t understand my weirdness when it comes to sexualizing the SS.  I think they chalk it up to self-hatred – and they’re wrong.  But who am I to argue with them?  Obviously they’re better at being Jewish then I am.  ^_-  I’ve had the luxury of disconnect thanks to mamala’s unwillingness to talk about or deal with her past – perhaps she’s the self-hating one, and it’s passed on to me in some weird form of enlightened depravity.

Enlightened depravity…I think that’s a bit of what last night’s villain in Law and Order CI suffered from.  He wanted to prove that, when given the choice between killing themselves or their spouse–the average human being under stress would always save themselves.  :/  I joke with my kids that if there were a zombie attack, I rest well knowing that I could outrun them enough to save myself.   I used to say that, until I saw the opening of 28 Weeks later – the rest of the film sucked ass, but the opener hammered it home for me–no, I couldn’t keep on running without looking back for my kids and spouse.  Like ‘Mother’ in the novel The Road, I see sacrificing myself in order to give my spouse and kids that extra minute, worth it.  Then I think about Sophie’s Choice.  The officer said to her – pick one child to take with you, or they both die.   When I first read the book, I was angry.  How could she choose her son over her daughter?  When I got older, and learned of places like Ravensbruk – and learned the fate of Polish women with blue eyes and blond hair – it dawned on me.  Sophie saved them both – but she sacrificed herself.   I couldn’t live with myself if I had to choose – and neither did she.  Her life was a fucking mess, her self-esteem nonexistent, she lived every day waiting for someone to put her out of her misery.  How Slavic of her…

I caught Justified last night as well; the dialog on this show is excellent.  –and man, I just knew Boyd was going to skate out of prison the minute  Raylan started banging Ava.   A weakness for abused women…he couldn’t save his momma, so he’s going to save her?   Boyd’s definitely discovered Raylan’s Achilles heel – will be interesting to see how these two dance around each other for the rest of the series.

Boss is back at work.  I did manage to suggest to my new teller manager that I’d love a shot at a branch closer to me – but told him why I wasn’t pursuing it.  He let me know that he brought it up in conversation at last meeting with boss, and ABM – which scares me a little.  She takes things like this so personal – my desiring a transfer has nothing to do with her managing style.   >_<


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