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…but Can She Spin?

November 6, 2012

Most of you know I’m a huge horror fan.  I’ve been watching this stuff since I was kid, and I know that sexism and cheesecake go hand in hand with certain aspects of the genre.  For example, anything released by Troma is going to have titties and gore.  I know that going in and so I avoid these films the way I avoid Pigs Feet in the canned meat section at the supermarket.  The digitial age is upon us, and I’ve found that I’ve avoided more films on principle–simply because someone at Netflix/Hulu/Sony has taken it upon themselves to describe what would otherwise be something I might like, in the most idiot way possible.

One of the blogs I follow religiously because it keeps me up to date on all the latest DVD and On-Demand releases is Anything HorrorI was looking over the fresh meat when my feminist senses began tingling…like a bad itch in a place I don’t want to scratch.

Limit Me as a Character by Describing Me as HOT. I Dare ya.

DOGMAN.  Seriously?  I was interested until:

Hunting enthusiast Hanklin Purvis (Larry Joe Campbell) puts his deadly skills to use after local animals, and then people, are attacked by a mysterious creature whose victims are left battling an infection that will soon take their lives. His beautiful Native American neighbor (Kimberly Guerrero) accompanies him into the Midwest wilderness to hunt the stalking beast.

So basically we’re defining Hanklin by his actions and his neighbor by her looks.  :/  She doesn’t even get a name for fucks-sake in this sales blurb which I suspect is a DVD blurb for retailor – this may not be a big deal to most people but it is a big deal to me.  Here is the same film as described by Amazon for their DVD release:

Avid hunter and outdoorsman Hanklin Purvis (Larry Joe Campbell) joins forces with his Native American neighbor Francis Wellman to track down a mysterious beast that’s developed an appetite for humans after preying on wild animals. When the creature’s victims show signs of lethal bacteria, Wellman races to create an antidote that could save lives as the attacks grow increasingly frequent and ferocious..

Sure this is wordy…but now its a film I want to see because Francis is part of trying to SAVE THE FUCKING DAY, and isn’t just tagging along with Hanklin on a hunt ‘for the beast’.  I never would’ve given this film a chance had I not read the Amazon blurb.  0_0  It’s what I call my ‘Haywire’ defense.   Remember the film Haywire?  It looked so cool in the previews.  It was like a feminist version of the Bourne movies; unlike Salt which had Jolie sort of posturing here and there for male viewers–Haywire was awesome and didn’t look like an over the top ‘hot chick fighting’ film.

Here’s what I wanted to see:

After freeing a Chinese journalist held hostage, Mallory is double-crossed and
left for dead – by someone in her own agency. Suddenly the target of assassins
who know her every move, Mallory unleashes the fury of her fighting skills to
uncover the truth and turn the tables on her ruthless adversary.

Here’s what Netflix/Sony thinks they’re showing me:

A last-minute mission in Dublin turns deadly for stunning secret operative Mallory Kane when she realizes she’s been betrayed.

Fuck you, seriously.

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